STANFORD – The physics world has been turned on its head today by incontrovertible proof that our material universe began when a gender reveal party 15 billion years ago resulted in an explosion so huge it created reality as we know it.
“We’ve been studying the clues left over by the Big Bang for decades, but it wasn’t until one of our physicists lost their own home in a devastating forest fire caused by a recent gender reveal party that they were able to put two and two together,” said Dr. Laura Fredericks, the head of the University of Stanford’s Department of Theoretical Astrophysics.
“What we’d always seen as puzzling and even contradictory aspects of the background radiation from the Big Bang turns out to be the galactic equivalent of coloured glitter pushed out of a cannon at speeds high enough to destroy the dimension it was a part of and birth our own.”
While the Big Bang theory has always been able to account for what happened just after the universe was created, it’s only now that physics has a solid template for explaining what happened before, during what scientists are calling The Blowout.
“Putting together the data we’ve gathered from the makeup of our universe, we can extrapolate that The Blowout was catered primarily with dark matter, that the decorations were composed mostly of dark energy, and that whoever threw it was the biggest moron in the history and prehistory of the cosmos,” Dr. Fredericks said.
Now that the theoretical physics community knows how the Big Bang happened, they are focusing on trying to work out whether the vast amounts of hydrogen it released was supposed to symbolize a boy or girl.