WINNIPEG – After being dealt a blow by the pandemic-related closures of offices and public washrooms, single-ply toilet paper manufacturers are pinning their recovery to the re-opening of their biggest customers: schools.
“Our effort to sell industrial reams of one-ply for home offices was not successful, so we are naturally very excited that schools are coming back,” stated Cassandra Esposito, spokesperson for the industry trade group One Layer Only. “I maintain that our companies, and the awful toilet paper we manufacture, should have definitely been given additional government funding.”
“We are an uncomfortable, unpleasant, hemorrhoid causing essential service,” added Esposito proudly.
Despite the well-documented rush on toilet paper at the beginning of the pandemic, single-ply sales remained completely unaffected. Many consumers reportedly chose any and all other options, including as rags, cut up newspaper, or just having a poopy bum.
“PPE and other safety precautions are expensive. Thank god single-ply toilet paper manufacturers keep costs low by bravely sacrificing both quality AND comfort,” stated Minister of Education Kelvin Goertzen. “Also, kids don’t learn at home to fold the one-ply over itself 4 times in order to make it usable. They learn this skill in schools, so it’s good that they are re-opening to teach this important lesson.”
The return of in-person schooling will also be a boon for manufacturers of toilets that are super low to ground, hand dryers that don’t actually dry hands, urinals that barely flush, and sanitary napkin/tampon dispensers that are permanently empty.
“Gross! I hate school TP,” stated a 5th grade student who requested anonymity. “I only intend to use that toilet paper for one thing – wetting it and throwing it on the ceiling.”
With September approaching toilet paper sales have not been as high as predicted, as many schools are only buying one month’s worth of supplies to avoid overstock when they are shut down in October for being the centre of an outbreak.