London, ON – Awaking with a throbbing headache, parched lips, nausea, a general desire for a swift demise and all the other tell-tale signs of a hangover, Jack Bennington was seized by a familiar thought; “Oh no. This is COVID for sure.”
Bennington admitted that he has awoken five times already this summer in a panic, convinced that he had been stricken with COVID-19 overnight only to—after an infusion of Gatorade and weed gummies—realize that he was simply suffering from a hangover.
“You’d be surprised about how many of the symptoms line up,” Bennington said, “Headache? Check. Sore throat? Considering I spent the entire night scream-singing Loverboy, you better believe it. Tiredness? Check. Fingers and toes turning blue? Happens every time I drink tequila. My hangovers would also kill anyone over 65.”
“This time is different though,” said the pinball machine repairman from a prone position on his bathroom floor while clinging to the grimy porcelain of his toilet like a shattered door frame in the aftermath of shipwreck. “This time it’s definitely COVID, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
When asked why he was so sure, Bennington responded, “When it’s your time, you just know. We partied too hard last night, and that’s how you get it: partying too hard. Plus, I got a stuffy nose and my lungs are sore. Now that could be from the smokes and just the tiniest little bit of coke, but, also, maybe not right?”
Bennington was then informed that it takes at least 4-5 to days for symptoms to appear to which he replied that the virus must have mutated, and he was the first case. He then begged for his blinds to be closed because the light was hurting his head. “Classic COVID,” he muttered before rushing to the bathroom to dry heave.