TORONTO – When lab technician, Sabrina Aleppo, acquired a pair of 7” inseam bike shorts, she did not expect to be tasked with mitigating the shorts’ desperate need to actually ride a bike.
“When I came into this world, cut and sewn from breathable fabric, I was given the moniker ‘bike short,’ and yet I have never lived up to my namesake,” sighed the pair of neon pink bike shorts wistfully. “Before I perish away and am laid to rest at a Value Village, or worse- in a landfill, I need to know the joy and freedom of straddling a bike seat.”
The young woman’s bike shorts have been impatiently waiting to mount a bicycle for months. Recently the glorified summer leggings have taken to writing emo poetry and listening to Fiona Apple alone when not being worn by Aleppo.
“My mother, bless her heart, was a pair of pedal pushers,” weeped the bike shorts into a pint of ice-cream. “She was never given the privilege of pushing the pedals of a bicycle, and now I feel destined to follow her cursed fate.”
Aleppo has been less than sympathetic to her shorts’ constant bemoaning, claiming that her bike shorts aren’t even padded. According to her, the true purpose of the bike shorts isn’t to ride a bike, but instead to help her prevent chafing.
“This is ridiculous! I don’t even understand why the bike shorts are so upset. I mean I used to own a newsboy cap, and yet I never delivered newspapers. I also own a fisherman sweater, and yet I’ve never cast a line!” Aleppo readjusted her collar and leaned into her Seinfeld-esque gripe. “I mean what is the deal with that!”
Currently, the negotiations between woman and short rage on. Aleppo has threatened to purchase another trendy pair of bike shorts, while her shorts have offered to settle for a tricycle, or God-forbid, even a unicycle.