In an effort to appease both the scientific community and the world’s flat earthers, Flat Earth Society member Devon Pinsent has put forth a bold suggestion: maybe it’s time for all of us to agree the planet is hexagonal.
“A hexagon is round, but it has many flat parts,” Pinsent explained, gesturing to an enormous whiteboard he had covered with diagrams to demonstrate his point. “It captures the essence of both sides of the debate without committing one way or the other. I think that’s pretty special.”
Science has been at war with the flat earth movement for centuries, so finding peace in a shape that is simultaneously flat and round could be a beautiful moment for both groups. In the cacophony of expertise, voices of unfounded skepticism, like Pinsent’s, could finally be heard.
“I feel that the Earth is flat. How is that feeling less valid than, say, a photograph of the Earth being round?” Pinsent fumed, tearing up a little bit. “The Flat Earth Society is offering an olive branch here. We want to compromise, even though we really don’t have to. Science needs to reign in the obstructionist factions blocking our generous deal.”
Unsurprisingly, some scientists agree with him. Jeff Boden, preeminent geophysicist at the University of Delaware, thinks the compromise could create a formidable coalition, forming what he calls “the big tent of moderate science.”
“Sure, nobody involved is really happy,” Jeff shrugged. “And yes, declaring our planet a hexagon would be fundamentally, provably incorrect by literally everyone’s metric. But how will we advance our cause and expand our base if we don’t start listening to amateurs who have never studied physics?”
So what does our bright, hexagonal future look like? Pinsent has proposed that the world’s scientists can move closer to the centre of the hexagon where things are “more round,” while flat earthers take up residence on the outer perimeter where the world “gets flat.” Each G7 nation would get a vertex except the United States, who would retain sovereignty over the dome in the sky that “protects us from the hideous round sun.” The remainder of the planet would be divided “like it is on the globe, except flat.”
“Ideally we’d give the ocean to our friends on the Scientology boat,” Pinsent winked. “But we’re willing to negotiate.”
At press time, the proposal was unanimously passed at the Flat Earth Society general meeting, 6-0. Pinsent and his group are still awaiting a response from the man they believe to be in charge of science worldwide: Bill Nye the Science Guy.