Democrats excited by early opportunity to tear themselves apart from within - The Beaverton
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Democrats excited by early opportunity to tear themselves apart from within

DES MOINES, IA – The U.S. Democratic party is celebrating a rare win after a computer glitch at their primary gave them a chance to self-destruct earlier than they normally do in an election year.

Following a recent string of legislative defeats and a near-certain acquittal of Donald Trump by the GOP-led Senate, Democrats are jubilant at the prospect of starting their 2020 presidential campaign with a highly visible round of public humiliation and bitter infighting.

“I’m really proud that we have been able to come together so soon to fall apart so quickly,” Iowa Democratic Party Chair Troy Price mumbled to reporters from behind a locked counting-room door that he couldn’t find the keys to. “We don’t usually combust this early in an election cycle. It fills me with pride to see this level of and finger-pointing so early in the game, and I think it bodes really well for the rest of the year.”

But Democrats are not resting on their laurels – which have not arrived yet because their laurel committee told Amazon to send them to Des Moines, New Mexico instead of Des Moines, Iowa. The party is already gearing up to ruin their next primary, which takes place in New Hampshire on February 7th, or possibly February 12 depending on who you ask.

With zero precincts reporting, several candidates have declared victory in Iowa, each proudly claiming credit for giving Republicans their key talking points in the months to come.

“It’s humbling to be here at this turning point for the Democratic party,” Pete Buttigieg told reporters as he removed his shirt and doused a letter opener with Pinot Grigio in preparation for disembowelment. “I hope all of my fellow candidates will follow me into ritual seppuku as a sign of respect for our party’s proud tradition of political suicide, or at the very least point out my cultural appropriation in a barrage of online shaming that I so richly deserve.”

Plans are already in the works to spoil opportunities in other states, including holding the New York primary in Newark, telling voters there is only one Dakota, and misprinting thousands of lawn signs for the presumptive Democratic candidate, Bunny Sanderp.