WASHINGTON D.C. -— President Donald Trump has reportedly initiated a trade war with Australia “Just so I can finally know I am truly alive.”
Trump personally made the announcement of tariffs on Australian exports like “koalas and bloomin’ onions”, which aides later expanded to include the country’s actual top exports of iron ore and natural gas. President Trump reportedly chose to single out Australia just days after wildfires ravaged the country’s Outback, in an addition effort to “just feel any emotion for once – anger, joy, shame?”
Aides have been silent as to whether the president ultimately experienced any of those human feelings.
The President, who so far in his term has instituted brutal immigration policies, removed crucial military aid from allies, and been officially impeached in the House, “only wish[es] some of it would really get through to me, you know?”
“Maybe this will finally get those guys to respect me, President Trump told aids before calling for a 20% tariff on “anything they make in Australia except for Outback Steakhouse Sauce.” Trump then reportedly spent 10 minutes staring in a mirror, wondering if he’d ever truly, truly known what it meant to be happy.
“I look out at all these people on TV calling me ‘dangerous’, ‘traitor’, ‘the worst President ever’, and the scariest thing is it doesn’t even register with me anymore. Then I get into a funk so bad I don’t think even nominating Rudy [Giuliani] to the Supreme Court would make me feel better.”
“Its…it’s like that song, Desperado,” he told his Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney as he stared out the Rose Garden window. “I’m losin’ all my highs and lows. I’ve been wandering through this big, beautiful house at night, thinking, I’ve got a good job, a beautiful wife, kids, and yet I don’t think I know how to appreciate the little things.”
“You’ll get there,” Mulvaney stated. “Is this the guy who insulted John McCain right before his funeral? Is this the guy who actively helped a foreign leader cover up the brutal murder of a journalist? Huh, big guy?”
After this, the President reportedly cracked the tiniest of smiles. “It’s the little victories like that that keep you going,” Mulvaney told reporters later.
As the gray, January Washington day drew to a close, Trump is said to have found himself standing in his walk-in closet, looking at enormous suit after enormous suit, wondering if it would even matter to him if Angela Merkel walked in and set them all on aflame before his eyes, right then.
“I don’t even taste it anymore,” he reportedly told the White House chef after handing him back a barely-touched bucket of KFC. “I think I’m just going to watch Stephen [Miller] photoshop Hillary Clinton’s face onto Khalid Sheik Mohammad’s body and go to bed.”
At press time, Australian economists are increasingly concerned about their nation’s supply of Hemsworths.