VANCOUVER – A demon that resides in the corner of the Johnson family’s living room ceiling has been growing increasingly concerned about the attentions of its host family’s 14-year-old cat, Mr. Snuggles.
The demon, which describes itself as “evil incarnate, but a little shy,” reported that Mr. Snuggles had recently taken to staring unblinkingly at it for long periods of time in a way that was making the immortal entity extremely self-conscious.
“I wish the Small Furry One had never discovered me,” the demon whispered, its long, clawed hands trembling. “I’ve been successfully haunting the dwellings of humanity for millennia without incident, but now I feel so… exposed. Its wide eyes strike fear unlike any I have ever inspired- fear and judgment are supposed to be my thing!”
Katherine Belerique, a demonologist working out of London, England, explained that housecats are widely known to possess the unique ability to see supernatural entities, and often attempt to warn their owners of demonic incursion by staring as hard as they can.
“I can tell you countless tales of mild-mannered demons terrorizing homeowners and destroying homes in cat-induced panic attacks,” the expert noted, pointing to a picture of a medieval fresco that depicts a cat nonchalantly peeing on Beelzebub. “We have to remember that not every evil spirit wants to smash things and levitate people out of their beds at 3:00 am. Some just want to possess in private.”
“I have been the Bane of Popes, the Tempter Who Whispers in the ears of kings and paupers alike, and the Scourge of Cities throughout time immemorial,” the demon said while fearfully scuttling to the other side of the ceiling in an attempt to outwit the elderly half-blind feline. “And then I encountered Mr. Snuggles. My anxiety is spiralling. I have never met such a devious foe. I’m seriously considering retirement.”
The fallen angel was last seen seeking therapy after Mr. Snuggles challenged him to a duel by scratching the couch in a threatening manner.