EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has announced $2 million more in savings for government coffers after firing the police officers investigating him on suspicion of murder.
“Making community policing more efficient keeps Albertans safe,” said Kenney while covered in the blood of the victim whose lifeless body he was standing on. “Some sacrifices have to be made to balance the budget, whether it’s an investigation into cheating a leadership race or an investigation into someone being stabbed 42 times in the neck.”
The Premier said that the firing of the entire Edmonton Police homicide unit was necessary for his province to keep the Alberta Advantage, and asked that his engraved butterfly knife stuck in the victim’s back be returned to him immediately.
“The police can continue their investigation once we’ve created the Alberta Provincial Police Force and all evidence is destroyed,” said Kenney rolling the body into a carpet for removal. “Besides, preventing people from not being murdered costs the taxpayers millions each year.”
Meanwhile, the UPC online merchandise store had already sold out their ‘Jesus is my ethics commissioner’ bumper stickers.
