DALLAS, TX – Comedian and LGBTQ+ icon Ellen DeGeneres was seen with former President George W. Bush at a football game this past weekend. Following the backlash, DeGeneres responded by bravely exposing that despite different beliefs they have found common ground as rich white people.
“Originally it was so hard to see what I had in common with George, I mean after all he roots for the Cowboys and I’m a Packers gal,” DeGeneres said in a monologue to an audience of adoring fans. “However, it was our Lord Almighty that said ‘love thy neighbour in your box suite seating.’”
DeGeneres paused for a momentous 3 minute applause, then continued, “Some people say to me, ‘Ellen, George W. Bush is a war criminal who has pushed anti-LGBTQ+ legislation,’ and to that I say, he’s also an amazing painter who cracks a good joke. People are multi-faceted.”
“I mean common, if he’s nice to me, it’s proof he’s changed. I forgive him, so we should all forgive him since we all know that I am the shiny corporate face of the queer community,” DeGeneres winked. “Now it’s time to dance!”
As of yesterday, The Ellen Show web-store has begun selling bumper stickers emblazoned with DeGeneres’ famous saying, “Being kind to everyone within your tax bracket is beautiful.”
Equally courageous, wealthy white Hollywood A-listers including Reese Witherspoon, Kristen Bell, and Jennifer Garner jumped to praise DeGeneres across social media. Supporters are happy that the duo are able to amicably move past their ethical disagreements, though all agree that no one considered hundreds of thousands of Middle Eastern deaths a problem since those people aren’t real people in the first place.
This isn’t the first time DeGeneres has defended the privileged. She advocated for Kevin Hart to be reinstated as the host of the 2019 Oscars claiming that a man as charming and cute-as-a-button as Hart shouldn’t be held to impossible standards such as human decency.