WASHINGTON D.C. — After being asked to resign by the President, National Security Advisor Jon Bolton has left the Trump Administration to spend more time lobbying his family to invade the country of Iran.
“For too long, the Islamic Republic of Iran has defied the will and morality of my immediate family,” said Bolton as he read from a prepared statement upon his resignation. “Now that I have resigned my post, I will spend every waking moment urging a policy of maximum pressure to be placed on Iran by my wife Gretchen, and our adult daughter Jennifer. God bless America.”
While Bolton has gained a reputation as one of the most hard-line advocates of military intervention in Iran, insiders report that he has privately voiced concerns with how little his family have accomplished with regards to ratcheting up military tensions with the middle eastern country. One aide reports that Bolton was “embarrassed” at his wife Gretchen’s lack of progress on regime change in Iran, something he now vows to change.
As to the circumstances surrounding his surprise resignation, Bolton was clear. “President Trump and I definitely both enjoyed working together,” explained a resolute Bolton. “We also definitely never argued about his wish to have a Camp David sleepover with Taliban leaders. The truth is, I’m leaving because my family needs me.”
“And by ‘needs me’, I mean, ‘my wife and daughter need me to help procure military-grade weapons, and launch them, from our backyard, towards Tehran,” Bolton clarified.
Bolton laid out his’s family’s expansive invasion plans, including stationing daughter Jennifer in the Persian Gulf, and placing the family cats, Mr. Muffins and Schwarzkopf, on a war footing. As well, should he be unable to procure weapons of war, he and Gretchen intend to construct their own homemade tomahawk missiles from golf clubs and old BBQ propane tanks.
Asked how he sees his family’s chances of toppling the Iranian leadership, Bolton was frank. “Sure, I’ve spent 20 years pushing an aggressive, interventionist foreign policy agenda. And, sure, I may no longer have the backing of the most powerful military in the history of the planet to do it.”
“But if you think locking my family into an apocalyptic war of aggression with Iran is insane, then you clearly don’t know John Bolton.”