THE GREAT PACIFIC GARBAGE PATCH – Stuffing her fifth one that day into her mouth, a local humpback whale found herself unable to stop eating those delicious, delicious plastic bags scattered all throughout the ocean gyre she’s currently swimming through.
“I know they’re bad for me, but they’re just so good,” the whale expressed in a series of high-pitched whines and chirps, adding that she simply can’t have just one, given how they’re now added in with krill and other food sources she eats, which are themselves feeding on the delectable microplastics. “You know what they say, once on my baleen plates, forever in my three-chamber stomach.”
While the whale admits she’s been having difficulty saying no to those tasty and abundant polyethylene and polypropylene bags tossed into the ocean on a daily basis, sometimes she feels she’s earned it after a hard day of traversing the vast oceanic expanse, and at the end of the day you just want to treat yourself with maybe some tasty discarded fishing nets, seaweed flavoured clamshell packaging, or some succulent rubber ducks that still float in the oceans after container ship lost its cargo in 1992.
“I wish I could stop myself, but I can’t. If I don’t stop soon, I’m afraid I’ll need to cut them out completely,” she whistled and clicked.
“And I mean that literally.”
At press time, the humpback whale was commiserating with a sea turtle who was compulsively stuffing plastic straws up its nose because its inner nostril was just so, so itchy.