CALGARY — Local curling team, the Cowtown Curly Fries, were ejected from their match at the Calgary Bi-Annual Bonspiel yesterday for showing up to play completely unimpaired.
Referee Dan Milligan, who made the call to remove the offending team, said he has never seen anything like it in his 30 years on the ice.
“They had one too few” he explained, angrily cracking open his seventh tall boy of the day. “We don’t stand for this kind of embarrassing behaviour in curling. The league rules clearly state that the minimum drink requirement is four beers before the game even starts, and you’re expected to only go downhill from there. If you’re not using your broom as a limbo stick by the end of the game, you’ve really misunderstood the purpose of the game.”
“I knew something was wrong when they weren’t hitting each other with brooms or peeing on the rink,” remarked Ellen Jenkins, 54, a longtime curling devotee who was in attendance during the fateful game. “I had to watch them play sober. Do you know how boring curling is when the players are sober? God, it’s awful.”
Gary Martin, captain of the Curly Fries, made a public apology on the local news later that day.
“We fucked up,” Martin explained. “We should have known better than to show up to the game with a blood alcohol level below 0.1%. I want to formally apologize to the league, the fans, and our families during this difficult time. I can only promise we won’t make the same mistake again. Our next game is in a week,” he added, chugging Crown Royal straight from the bottle, “and I’ve already started preparing.”
At press time, the team had made an official contribution to the league’s communal beer stash as their first step towards making amends.