TORONTO – Incumbent Mayor John Tory was re-elected today, on the strength of his qualifications as a man who started his political career having worked exclusively for his dad and his dad’s rich friends.
“John Tory was the most capable candidate,” said supporter Jeff Gratz. “Did Jen Keesmaat get hired at the prestigious law firm Torys LLP right out of University? I think not.”
While critics say getting hired by Rogers at 18 because your dad gave Ted Rogers his first job does not give you a ‘background in journalism’, Tory supporters suggest that, fuck you, we won.
“John Tory is an experienced public servant,” said Tory supporter Ellen Creem. “He’s been in politics since he was hired by Premier Bill Davis, who coincidentally started worked for Tory’s dad the moment he left office.”
At press time, while critics on the right and left have maintained Tory was an abject mediocrity spawned by the privilege and nepotism of a moribund Canadian political establishment, they were quick to defend Doug Ford and Justin Trudeau.