LEGEND VALLEY, OH – Professional birthday party entertainer Twinkles the Clown, who has been described by her doctor as ‘very mentally sound’, got lost on her way to meeting some fellow birthday party clowns and accidentally wandered into one of the world’s largest music festivals, the Gathering of the Juggalos.
“I was taking a mosey towards Perkins family restaurant, where I was supposed to meet a couple of other colleagues in the business,” said Twinkles with a haunted look in her eyes. “I’ve known Smiles the Clown and Silly the Clown for quite a while, and we think of ourselves as a bit of a posse, because sometimes our speaking voices get too loud while talking shop and we feel embarrassed. Anyway, I went to where Google maps told me Perkins was and ended up in the middle of a campground with thousands of people, and I can’t unsee what I saw there.”
As soon as Twinkles arrived at the annual festival, she was invited to “get comfortable and take off her shirt” by several individuals who called themselves ‘ninja’ and offered to douse her in Faygo. Then a number of firecrackers went off and an impromptu wrestling match started, which Twinkles was invited to join.
“I asked Ninja and, uh, Ninja if they had seen Smiles and Silly, and they yelled “woop woop” and chanted ‘jugalette’ for a few minutes,” Twinkles elaborated. “I’m starting to think that maybe I took a wrong turn, because there were a lot of gas canisters, and not one balloon animal. Even though they had clown makeup on, there was something a little strange about that group of clowns. They claimed they were insane. I’m not sure if they were, but they were certainly uneducated.”
When asked for comment, Joseph Bruce (aka Violent J), one of the founders of the festival, said he was sad Twinkles got lost but hopes she enjoyed her time ‘among the family’. Co-founder Joseph Utsler (Shaggy 2 Dope) also mentioned the impromptu magic show Twinkles was chanted into performing using magnets was, “a fucking mindblower.”
While Twinkles is not sure what led to the bizarre new experience or where her friends actually are, the evening was not a complete loss because she was able to score a bottle of Percocet and some mescaline.