WASHINGTON D.C. — Following the surprise announcement that the White House has unilaterally backed out of a planned summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, President Donald Trump has demanded that he be awarded not one but two consecutive Nobel Peace Prizes.
This morning’s demand was issued moments after the shocking cancellation of the meeting, via Trump’s twitter account.
“First, I obviously deserve a Nobel for brilliantly getting North Korea to agree to a summit,” tweeted the president of the United States of America. “Second, I deserve another Nobel Prize for Cancelling the summit, which was a WASTE of time in the first place! #Nobel4Trump”
Trump, who had previously spent weeks insisting he demanded his first Nobel Peace Prize, later called reporters to the White House for an impromptu press scrum. “Kim Jong Un is obviously part of the DC swamp that I was elected to clear out, and that is the reason I backed out,” explained Trump to an assembled group of befuddled reporters. Asked why he deserved an unprecedented two Nobel Prizes, he went on, “Big boys always get two of everything as a reward for being such strong boys,” said Trump, “And since I’m such a big, strong boy, I should get two prizes because I’m so big and strong. MAGA. Collusion. Hillary. Wall.”
Being awarded two Nobel Prizes would see Trump join the ranks of such honourees as Marie Curie and Frederick Sanger, as well as being the first person to receive a Prize for an accomplishment that never actually took place at all.
In a similar vein, Tucker Carlson asserted that Trump not only deserves an additional peace prize, but also the Nobel for Chemistry, Literature, and Mathematics. Fox And Friends host Brian Kilmeade spent 3 hours discussing the possibility that Barack Obama’s 2009 Nobel Prize was in fact an award that he had stolen from President Trump.
In Switzerland, the Nobel Peace Prize officials reacted with confusion at the US president’s public lobbying on his own behalf. “Very rarely do we see Nobel recipients campaigning on their own behalf,” explained a baffled Otto Von Werner, Chair of the Nobel Committee. “Albert Shweitzer dropped some pretty big hints, but he never publicly demanded an award.”
White House insiders report the president has taken to loudly proclaiming that many of his routine achievements are also Nobel Peace Prize-worthy. Trump has allegedly suggested that he deserves the award for: showing up in the Oval Office before noon; finishing his entire dessert; and for not launching any nuclear missiles at Poland.
Meanwhile in North Korea, Kim Jong Un has commenced taunting Trump by showing off the Nobel Prize he awarded to himself, which is made from metal fillings stolen from the mouths of executed dissidents.