NEWMARKET, ON – After spending hours scrolling in order to reaffirm his world-view, local man James Reed is delightfully excited to regurgitate an opinion he saw on Reddit.
At press time, Reed made a mental note to slip that “Amy Schumer is the Nickelback of comedy” into his next conversation.
“Most of her jokes just revolve around her private parts and how gross they are. It was humorous at first, but after the ninth joke about it, it lost its luster,” Reed whispered to himself, practicing what the thought would sound like in his own words.
However, Reed’s friends are reportedly becoming suspicious of whether or not these opinions are his own, especially after Reed said that Netflix’s Bright with Will Smith and Joel Edgerton was “world-building.”
A friend of Reed, who has asked to stay anonymous, said that he had began to doubt Reed’s originality when he spoke of Jordan Peterson, stating that if you actually read Peterson’s work, you would know it’s not racist. “But I’m 95% sure that James has never actually read Peterson’s work either,” his friend said.
Reed’s latest borrowed opinions include how, unlike Reddit, BuzzFeed is a media outlet for sheep and that religion is the single greatest threat to the survival of humanity.