WASHINGTON, DC – Newly-appointed US National Security Advisor John Bolton has contacted the office of Special Counsel Robert Mueller, demanding charges be levelled against Donald Trump already so he go ahead and start a war.
“Mueller needs to put the pedal to the metal and indict the president so he can declare war out of impulsive rage or as a calculated distraction,” said Bolton. “I’ve already drawn detailed blueprints of incursions into Syria, Iran, North Korea, Wales, Venezuela, even Iraq again.”
Bolton called the April 9 raid of Trump attorney Michael Cohen’s home a ‘promising start,’ since it led the president to order sustained strikes against Syria, but has stressed that more needs to be done to ensure a ‘full-fledged, psycho-sexually gratifying war.’
“It really needs to be Trump’s family or Trump himself who’s charged now, and it’s gotta be on obstruction or conspiracy,” said Bolton. “Anything less, and he’s not going to let me do the things that make me feel like a God.”
Although it is unclear if the Special Counsel can even legally indict a sitting president, Bolton suggests that now is an excellent time to test out the legal theory.
Peter Carr, a spokesman for Mueller, declined to comment.
At press time, war with North Korea had been averted when it turned out Jared Kushner owned multiple business interests in the country.