CUPERTINO, CA — In response to a growing trend of laptop users covering their webcam with bandages or tape in order to avoid being spied on, Apple CEO Tim Cook has announced that such measures will now only serve to boost their technology’s many other means of invading user privacy.
“We started to notice that many of our users were worried that hackers might be watching them through their computer’s camera,” Cook stated at a press conference at Apple headquarters. “We just wanted to reassure people that there are many, many other ways that they are being watched at all times, and now with this new update each of those tracking techniques will be greatly enhanced every time a user thinks they are doing something to protect their privacy.”
As part of the new update, covering a webcam will heighten microphone sensitivity in order to listen for financial information, personal secrets or sex noises; installing an ad-blocker will add users to a government watchlist; and disabling location tracking will result in a spy-drone being sent to your location instead.
Users mostly report that they are fine with these new upgrades. “I know that the government already knows what porn I like to look at, so there’s no going back,” reports Apple customer Marcus Sigurdsson. “As long as I know nobody is looking at my O face, I don’t really care if my fetishes get shared with a bunch of advertisers.”
At press time, Apple, along with Google and Facebook and many other products, point out that you agreed to this in their terms and conditions.