New security clearance policy requires Jared Kushner to hold hands with secret service agent at all times - The Beaverton

New security clearance policy requires Jared Kushner to hold hands with secret service agent at all times

WASHINGTON D.C. – White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has officially announced that will only be granted security clearance if he promises to hold the hand of the agent with him at all times.

“Kushner is a valued and qualified member of the President’s inner circle and should be given all access necessary to discharge his duties,” said Kelly from the White House press room. “But I think everyone involved would feel a whole lot better if we knew that he had a grown-up helping him with some of the trickier parts.”

The new policy requires Kushner to keep at least one hand wrapped within his assigned agent’s firm and comforting grasp whenever practical. This would include all situations, from review of highly classified national security documents to crossing of Pennsylvania Avenue to get ice cream after a big day. Kushner also had to pinky swear that he wouldn’t wander off if the agent has to use the bathroom.

“At first I thought I had drawn the worst detail ever when I was told about this,” said Special Agent Mike Stevens, Kushner’s new Security Buddy, “but the other day when I was walking him to his room close to bedtime, he whispered to me that I was his best friend. My heart just melted, you know?”

“Now when he looks up at me with those big brown eyes and his sparrow-like voice, I can’t imagine being anywhere else.”

Israeli-Palestinian leaders have said that they have mixed feelings about the new arrangement. While they do feel a lot less anxious that Kushner is going to get into any dangerous shenanigans, they are concerned that his ‘Please→ Pretty Please→ Cherry On Top” style of negotiations will still be ineffective.

“I’m just glad he doesn’t come home crying any more about how everyone at the White House is mean to him,” confirmed Kushner’s wife, Ivanka.

President Trump is reportedly in full support of the new plan since it means that he and Kushner will no longer have to be paired up during field trips to the United Nations.

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