Antichrist able to hire five horsewomen of the apocalypse for the cost of four horsemen - The Beaverton
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Antichrist able to hire five horsewomen of the apocalypse for the cost of four horsemen

WASHINGTON, DC – In light of the fast-approaching end times, the has elected to take advantage of a gender that sees women earn approximately 20% less than men by hiring five horsewomen instead of four horsemen.

“I’m all about the numbers,” Ken Smith (42, antichrist) said from his congressional office. “666 and so forth. What’s really needed to subjugate the peoples of the earth isn’t upper body strength, it’s a bottomless reservoir of white hot rage. The female applicants had more of that to begin with and when I told them they’d be paid 80% of what a horseman would be paid, their resulting fury was wondrous to behold.”

The five horsewomen, , , , , and , will act as Smith’s lieutenants while he tears down human society and creates an infernal kingdom in the ashes of civilization.

All of the horsewomen have extensive combat experience with the exception of Linda Jeffries, an amateur comedian and experienced equestrian who initially applied for the position (Bloody Horsewoman #5) thinking it was a role in a horror movie or tampon commercial.

“When I found out what the job actually entailed, I was immediately in. It’s a very exciting opportunity for me. I’m totally off-script and it’s not clear what I’ll be the horsewoman of. Pain? Darkness? Bugs? Luckily, I have extensive improv experience, so I have a lot to contribute to this project,” Jeffries said, during a fitting for what she was disappointed to find out would be extremely revealing armor.

While Smith is being praised by feminists for hiring women for traditionally male positions, he is also being criticised for the fact that his horsewomen are all white, between the ages of twenty and thirty, and tasked with destroying humanity.

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