VANCOUVER – After over one hundred years of continuous rain, a phenomenon experts are calling “the sun” appeared in the skies over Vancouver today, causing widespread alarm, sporadic rioting and mass hysteria.
“It was absolutely terrifying,” said shaken local Kimberly Gamble. “I was on the street, just going about my day, when suddenly water stopped falling from above. I didn’t understand what was happening until I remembered my great grandmother once telling me about an unrain that she lived through as a child during the Big Dry of 1912.”
“And then I saw this shockingly bright light above me. I don’t even know how to describe it. It was like a lamp… but in the sky.”
Many Vancouverites took shelter in nearby vape stores, whose smoky atmospheres helped to diffuse the alarmingly brilliant light flooding in through the windows. Rioting was limited as most citizens were too scared to venture into the sunny streets and settled for instagramming frightened but well-lit selfies.
Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson urged calm. “We want to assure the public that while the so-called ‘sunshine’ the city experienced today is startling, our scientists are confident that in small doses it isn’t dangerous,” he said from an emergency press conference held in an underground bunker at City Hall. “There is no need to resort to looting, cannibalism, or base tans.”
“At this time, we are recommending everyone stay in their homes until the cloud cover is back to its usual nuclear winter-level thickness.”
As night approached, Vancouverites briefly worried the now sinking ball of light would drop into the ocean and boil the coast but were relieved when the glowing orb instead disappeared beneath the horizon, never to be seen again.
