MONTREAL – The Sûreté du Québec were taken by surprise when their director, Martin Prud’homme, was appointed as head of the Montreal police force to replace the suspended Chief Philippe Pichet, in a clear indication that the SQ are not the worst police force in Quebec.
“Us? Really?” said a stunned-looking Prud’homme. “With our history of ineptitude and corruption, I never thought that someone from the SQ would be needed to take over the SPVM. Even when they were wearing baseball caps and camouflage pants I thought they were more professional.” A miffed Prud’homme then muttered under his breath: “…Quel spectacle de marde.”
The SQ has an illustrious history of getting things wrong, from using surveillance equipment as a private peep show in a hotel, to killing civilians when crashing unmarked police cars. “I can’t imagine that they’re worse with indigenous people than us. How is that possible,” said Prud’homme, referring to tear gassing Mohawks in defense of a golf course extension and the systematic abuse of aboriginal women in Val-d’Or. “Are there even any indigenous people in Montreal?”
Prud’homme expressed excitement at being able to deal with more diverse gangsters. “For the SQ it is always the Hell’s Angels, day after day, but now I can interact with Italian, Jewish, and Irish gangs, for example. I hear they use DVD cases instead of manila envelopes.”
“One confusing thing,” continued Prud’homme, “is who will do the investigations of police wrongdoing? Normally we ask the SPVM to investigate the SQ and find nothing, and then the SQ does the same for them. With me in charge of the SPVM it would be like us investigating ourselves – which would be unethical!”
Meanwhile, SQ officers provincewide were looking forward to meeting their new boss once he arrives from Saint-Louis-du-Ha!-Ha!