TORONTO – Addressing a crowd of reporters, Andy Byford, the man who worked tirelessly for the last five years to bring the Toronto Transit Commission into the twentieth century made public his resignation.
“Together we have made great progress,” said Byford, who undertook an aggressive modernization campaign against city council to rid the transit system of its heavy reliance on technologies that were introduced in the 1800’s. “I want to thank the excellent team I had the pleasure of working with over these years. Together we can proudly say that the TTC is now only largely stuck somewhere in the mid-1970s.”
Byford advocated for the abolishment of the token payments in favour of card systems designed in the 1980s, and for de-horsification of the streetcar networks in favour of electric power. However, he faced criticism from employees for cutting rum rations while on shift, a move that motivated a solidarity strike from the 17th century Royal Privateer’s Union. Byford mentioned he regrets that the current system of streetcar track switches will remain the same, as operators will continue to stop the vehicle and physically move the track with a stick.
At press time, Byford expressed relief that the TTC was no longer going to be his problem, and made a final comment about the proposed Scarborough subway line by ending the press conference with, “enjoy your second shitty subway to nowhere, motha fuckas!”