NOTTINGHAM, UK – A British company has released the first images of their long-awaited “smart condom”, a wearable tech device which promises to be second only to the smartest condom of all: sexual abstinence.
According to a press release from British Condoms, the i.Con uses biometric data to measure a man’s performance, duration and calories burned during intercourse – data which can then be uploaded and compared to other men around the world. It’s being lauded as a “revolutionary tech breakthrough,” though it’s widely agreed that the real revolutionary breakthrough is not caring what other men are doing, going at your own pace and waiting until you know you’re in love.
The i.Con is also reportedly capable of detecting and preventing sexually transmitted infections, though many people are unconvinced that it can knock the reigning champ (again abstinence) out of the box.
“I think it’s wonderful that wearable tech is becoming so advanced,” said Pastor Andrew Donovan of the First Missionary Baptist Church, “but in terms of preventing STIs, this ‘smart condom’ doesn’t hold a candle to the original wearable tech: your clothes.”
“Also, it’s not a condom so much as a band that you put around the base of a condom,” the pastor added, “so technically it’s a cockring. I’m just saying.”
While the i.Con is set to hit shelves in 2018, many consumers are holding out for the no.Con, a competing condom rumoured to increase its contraceptive capability by blaring a debilitating frequency if you “round second base”.