Use these ten easy steps to conceal the unsightly and superfluous features of your face!
1. Scrape and shave down your face. A nice rosy complexion will tell you that you should keep scraping, but if you see blood you’ve gone too far.
2. Apply a glossy primer. We recommend slathering on as much as you can, and give it sixteen minutes to dry. To see if you’re primed and ready, try rolling a quarter along your nose or cheeks. If the quarter gets stuck to your face, wait another seventeen minutes.
3. Apply a foundation of nude coloured cement to your face. Make sure to properly mix and pour the foundation, and spread out evenly, using an industrial trowel.
5. Use a lighter shade of concealer to draw a thin line above your jawline. A perfect point of reference is a scrappy James Franco chinstrap. Careful not to drool all over your sexy self!
6. Time to blend! Use the fresh clean bottom of a nearby baby to blend your makeup as much or as little as you like. Now you’re one step closer to a baby bottom smooth complexion!
7. Contour time. You’ll need a small carving knife here to help you gently and softly whittle away the edges of your self-esteem.
8. With a spongy rolling brush, paint over your face and body (by the way, you were naked this whole time) with a matte nude. Matte is still very in.
9. Find your best cheekbone. Consult all your Instagram photos, and narrow down your better side. That is you now. This cheekbone is what you will put forward into the world. This cheekbone will say everything about you and for you. Trust this cheekbone. Highlight this cheekbone with an original Hi-Liter brand highlighter pen in the colour of your choosing. (Classic yellow will always be in vogue!)
10. Take a look in the mirror! The world can’t wait to meet the new you.