Campus newspaper breaks week old news

KINGSTON, ON – After staying up all night, student journalist at The Sovereign Digest Victoria O’Reilly and her team felt confident that they could deliver a breaking story that surfaced well over a week ago.

“We wanted to bring the news that the Tim Horton’s on now accepts debit with total impartiality to everyone involved,” O’Reilly said, “We pride ourselves on the fact that we were the fourth of the five papers to let the student body know, first.”

O’Reilly and her team collected statements slowly and meticulously, triple checking that they spelled everyone’s name right, even the really hard ones.

Amid the current media landscape of clickbait and fake news, The Sovereign Digest only publishes once they have every single fact imaginable, related to the story or not, resulting in an erratic print schedule. As their mandate reads, “Truth Precedes Timeliness”.

Besides the delays caused by their excruciating work ethic, the paper appears only if the editors didn’t have any midterms that week.

“It doesn’t help that we still handwrite all our stories, but goddamnit does it inspire the romanticism of yester-year’s journalism.” O’Reilly intoned wistfully, “And if there’s something nervous millennial university need more than anything, it’s even more nostalgia.”

“While the job pays meager pennies on the hour, I think we do it because we love it? No, no, I do love it. The friendships I’ve created here while being yelled at 3 am are invaluable to me,” O’Reilly asserted.

Despite their best efforts, the paper ran 49 corrections in the following Friday’s paper.

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