WASHINGTON, D.C. – Once again blocking the President’s plans to Make America Great Again, moderate Republicans in Congress and the Senate are refusing to vote in favour of allowing Donald J. Trump to activate The Machine.
“I plan to vote NO on today’s #TheMachine bill,” read one tweet from Florida Republican Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, traitor to the Conservative cause. “#TheMachine is NOT what America stands for.”
While the Lying Media spread all kinds of lies about The Machine, and its hateful tines, its heaving maw, its ravening, sickening iron gums, slicked with the spittle of excessive justice, True Patriots all across the land are telling the government it’s time to Get Tough.
“The Machine, or, as the Romans called it, Ut Machina, has been a tool of statecraft for thousands of years,” said White House advisor, Steve Bannon, brushing his fingers against the strange patterns intagliated along its many blades and hooks. “Perhaps longer. Perhaps much longer.”
RINOs like Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell may turn pale and have to steady themselves against nearby furniture when somebody mentions The Machine, but Freedom-loving Americans know it’s the only way to get this country back on track.
“Real America stands by the President,” said Breitbart comments section regular Terry Leiter. “It’s time for The Machine, or at least significant reforms to the tax code.”
“Folks, it’s time we used this Machine,” said Trump during a speech to the Girl Guides of America. “It’s time we brought forward the grinding wheels, the furious pistons, it’s time for the steam of blood to rise and redden the clouds, to bring down the scarlet rain, it’s time for the spikes of piercing, for the rippers of rending, it’s time to flay away the skin and see what lies beneath, folks, I’m gonna tell it to you, this Machine, it’s a primo Machine, it’s the engine of flensing, it’s the instrument of a thousand years, if these clowns in Congress let us use it, I swear to you, all the bad people, we’re gonna get rid of em, we’re gonna show them the belts and the sprockets, we’re gonna give em a taste of the razors and gears, we’re gonna make an offering of them, we’re gonna wring the crimson out of em like dishcloths, we’re gonna make this Machine sing, and it’s got a lotta mouths, people, and its song is gonna ring in the trembling of a thousand eardrums ripped from the glistening heads of the unworthy others. Believe it folks.”
This is the most a machine has shaped American political discourse since Gerald Ford’s fabled, yet controversial dildo chair.