VANCOUVER – Casting a dark shadow on a favoured millennial pastime, the Intergovernmental Panel on Escape Rooms released a shocking report today that states in no uncertain terms, if you die in an escape room, you will also die in real life.
“It really makes you think about what kind of danger we’ve been putting ourselves in all this time,” stated a visibly shaken Cara Tucker, 25, who has been escaping elaborate riddle-laden rooms on-and-off for the past two years. “Just knowing that the consequences of our actions inside the game could possibly – somehow – carry over into the real world really makes rethink the whole experience.”
Escape rooms are supposed to be a fun alternative to reality, where you get to explore puzzle scenarios completely consequence-free. You could be a pirate, an astronaut, or even a zombie hunter, all of whom have found themselves trapped in a small, complex room full of locks and clues for largely unexplained reasons. Until now, it was assumed that this meant escape rooms occupied a separate plain of existence that caused the dreamlike quality of invincibility that used to only exist in video games and fantasies. But as the report states, “you’re just in a different room, so death still applies.”
Much of the escape room community has been shaken to learn of this harrowing fact, causing a near-existential crisis, as suddenly the rules of reality shifted for all those who have ever participated in an escape room.
Mark Renault, the owner of Adventure Rooms in Vancouver, seemed perplexed by the news.
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me here,” Mr. Renault stated via telephone. “People can DIE in there?”
“Excuse me. I need to go remove some spike traps,” he added.