Local man manages to get in 15 minutes of existential crisis before work everyday

MONTREAL – Saying it keeps him feeling fresh and alert, local man David Oberto has spent the last year doing high-intensity before heading out to his job each morning.

“I start by waking up bright and early at about 6:45am, usually because of an anxiety dream where all my teeth fall out or I forget to study for a test,” said the 32 year-old software developer. “Then I stretch my glutes by wandering aimlessly around my kitchen asking myself if this is really all there is.”

Studies show that people who add extreme freakouts about their place in society to their morning routine can expect to experience the benefits almost immediately. Most report stronger abdominal muscles from crying or dry heaving while some develop a metabolism so powerful that you only ever have constipation or diarrhea.

“Anyone can do it. It’s all about developing consistency,” says Oberto. “It used to be that I couldn’t imagine hating myself and everything around me for 20 minutes in the morning. Now I couldn’t stop if I tried!”

At press time, Oberto had managed to fit in a second emotional in the 40 minutes he spends tossing and turning before falling asleep.

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