OHIO- As a result of the America-first economic policies of Donald Trump, Ohioan Brad Frasier now has no recourse but to use inferior, Nebraskan-quality Kangaroo products.
“How am I supposed to put this in my coffee?” said Frasier, swirling a bottle of thin, watery, Grade C Kangaroo milk. “It barely has any pulp.”
Although Nebraska has become an international byword for subpar macropod products, the President’s team insists the American Kangaroo farmer is a staple of the US economy, who needs protection from foreign competition.
“I can’t think of a single country that produces finer Kangaroos than the United States. Not one.” said Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue, inspecting a series of scrawny, factory-raised beef Kangaroos. “Look at these fine examples of American marsupialsmanship.”
Perdue then drank a tall, cold glass of 4% Kangaroo milk, leaned over, and used the mangy pouch of a nearby mother kangaroo as a barf bag.
Nevertheless, connoisseurs like Frasier remain skeptical, with some going so far as to accuse American producers of cutting their product with the inferior milk of the hated Opossum.
“American consumers deserve access to cheaper, better Kangaroo milk,” said Frasier, milking the illegal 17-hand Canberra Jll he bought online and keeps in his basement. “If they don’t, they’re just going to create a black market in delicious, intoxicating Kangaroo milk and Kangaroo milk byproducts.”
At press time, Australia had responded by hiking tariffs on Florida vegemite.