HALIFAX- According to a new report, backpacks are essentially purses except for one major distinction: They can actually hold things.
“It may seem obvious, but many women do not realize that backpacks are practical, and purses are useless pieces of shit,” said lead author Dr.Tanya McMahon.
Dr. McMahon made the discovery while attempting to fit gym clothes, notebooks and a laptop in mid-sized leather tote, when she noticed her daughter getting ready for school and realized she could have been using a backpack the entire time.
However, Dr. McMahon fears the discovery comes too little too late for many women who have spent upwards of thousands of dollars on purses that literally cannot fit both a phone and a wallet.
Some women reacted to the report, claiming backpacks are “ugly” and that purses are “super cute” and “almost pay for themselves in compliments.”
“Like, my purse is $300, and if I get three compliments, then that’s like $100 a compliment,” said one woman disagreeing with the math in the report’s findings.
“And self esteem is priceless!”
Spacial expert Jane Simmons elaborates, “Yeah we all like pretty things, but I don’t know what kind of fuckery has allowed men to use bags that can actually fit things, where women are expected to use sacks that hang precariously off of one shoulder and have no compartments to separate anything.”
Dr. McMahon has continued her research by introducing backpacks to women who use purses, and preliminary findings showing some resistance to the idea, with some reporting, “Backpacks almost make too much sense when carrying around stuff”, and “But I’ve never known what it’s like to own something that is both practical and comfortable…I…I don’t know what this feeling is.”
When reached for comment, popular purse manufacturer Coach’s head designer, responded, “HEY, WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT BACKPACKS!? THIS DISCOVERY WILL RUIN US!! NOOOOOOO!”