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Nation’s doctors demand musicians stop consulting them about love, having blues

OTTAWA – As hospitals and family doctors find themselves increasingly overworked in the winter months, a statement released today by the Canadian Medical Association is imploring musicians and songwriters of all stripes to stop taking up valuable time by consulting their doctors about being in love or having the blues.

“It happens a lot more than you think. If you hear a song where the singer claims ‘well I went to the doctor and the doctor said’ or something of that nature, 9 times out of 10, they actually did go” explained general practitioner Dr. Suresh Rao. “And what the doctor said was that they did not have a physiological issue and that their visit was a waste of everyone’s time.”

“There is of course the rare exception. I was once asked to investigate a bad case of ‘Lovin’ You’ that was actually severe hyperthyroidism. But those cases are hardly statistically significant. Generally it’s just some rock star telling you they got it real real bad, meanwhile there are people outside with the actual flu.”

The CMA was also careful to draw the distinction between clinical depression and “blues” – generally used by musicians as a catch-all for being upset about a particular problem. “Depression is a serious condition, and there are medical solutions that I encourage anyone to come in and talk about,” said Rao. “If you simply have blues, however – summertime or otherwise – then you have my deepest sympathies and I hope that gets resolved. But this is not a medical problem and we’re very busy people.”

Studies conducted last year showed that wait times for medical care in Canada had reached an all-time high, with over 70% of primary care physicians feeling their patients were experiencing long wait times. The CMA believes that figure would drop as low as 6% if doctors weren’t dealing with a steady stream of musicians looking for prescriptions for good lovin’, demanding they be given “the news”, or complaining through broad metaphors about how much their eyes have seen.

While the statement from the CMA focused primarily on cases of love and blues, Rao says he and his colleagues have also been dealing with an increase in false cases of fever. “There are people in our waiting rooms with legitimate fevers, especially at this time of year. Please, do not come into our offices, say you have a fever, wait to be admitted, and then tell us it’s Dance Fever or Love Fever or something that just means you’re horny or want to dance. That’s not what a fever is.”

If you are a musician struggling with love or blues, the Canadian Medical Association recommends you bring your concerns to a friend or possibly a barber, and “Please, please do not bother us unless you need more weed.”

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