You know what they say, kids are either the greatest joy in your life, a constant burden on your spirit, or some combination of both. But no matter how much you love your children, one thing is certain; spending three consecutive days without school or childcare is enough to make you consider faking your own death just to make it to Tuesday.
With that in mind, here are the five best options to leave your kin behind as you celebrate the made up, non-holiday known as Family Day:
1. Take up smoking, just so you have an excuse to go to the store for a pack of cigarettes. If your kids are smart enough to recognize this trope of child abandonment, they’ll know what’s happening. If not, that’s reason enough to leave them anyways.
2. Ask your children’s godparents to babysit the day you go on a crime spree. Rob a bank without wearing a mask, use your real name while threatening a government official, or better yet, just walk into a police station and start punching. If “me time” is what you’re after, you’ll find plenty of it in solitary confinement.
3. If you’re not the kind of person who would necessarily take to incarceration, find your local Baby Hatch. You may have to travel to Germany, where there are over 100 actual hatches you can dump your kid without fear of legal recourse.
4. Give hallucinogens a shot. If you spend most of your days fantasizing about a previously child-less existence, a simple mixture of ayahuasca and mescaline can go a long way to making the fantasy feel real for a three day span.
5. Check out emotionally. By far the most popular option for today’s day. Sure your body will be stuck playing hide and seek with your garbage kids, but your mind and soul will be living in 2009, when you were a single guy who spent all day playing PS3 and smoking up!