WASHINGTON, D.C. – A member of Donald Trump’s transition team revealed this week that son-in-law Jared Kushner will be named a senior advisor to the President, based on the fact that he possesses the one quality Trump values most in any man, the ability to have sex with his daughter, Ivanka.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, the source, who identified himself only as ‘Pike Mence,’ noted that being elected to the highest office in the land by a minority of his fellow citizens, and a majority of Russian plutocrats, has left Trump with only one unrealized goal in his otherwise storybook life of Caligulan entitlement.
“All he wants to do now,” he explained, “Is share the fruit of his loins with the fruit of his loins. Repeatedly, for 4-6 hours, or however long the Cialis remains in his bloodstream. And really, who better to teach him how to do that than the very man Donald dreams of someday cuckolding?”
Though it remains unclear exactly what counsel Kushner plans to offer his famous father-in-law, sources close to Trump have long spoken of The Donald’s “begrudging” admiration for the way Jared can complement Ivanka’s figure without immediately triggering her gag reflex, or French kiss her without Ivanka locking herself in her room for three days and crying herself to sleep on a large pile of Amnesia Dollars.
Still, while experts do not expect Kushner’s appointment to face any meaningful opposition, at least one member of Trump’s own family considers it to be “a massive conflict of interest.”
“All I’m saying, he’s got more than one daughter,” revealed the woman, also speaking on condition of anonymity as ‘Tiffany Trump’. “It’d be nice if he at least thought about having sex with her. Or called her on my birthday.”