LOS ANGELES – Reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner announced this week that she will appear at President-elect Donald Trump’s January 20th inauguration ceremony, completing her highly publicized transition into a total asshole.
“All my life, I’ve struggled with the knowledge that I’m not who people think I am,” explained the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star. “The gifted athlete, befuddled TV parent, and transgender activist you all saw was actually just a cold-hearted, hypocritical piece of shit, yearning to freely express her callous indifference to humanity.”
Jenner credited Trump and running mate Mike Pence for creating a “safe space,” where fuckwits like her can unleash the soulless, heartless ugliness they’d previously been forced to suppress, without fear of reprisal.
“As an asshole, it’s so nice to be able to openly endorse a President and Vice-President who’ve gone out of their way to support legislation that denies millions of LGBTQ Americans just like me the basic rights, freedoms, and human dignity that I enjoy simply for being rich, white, and famous.”
Jenner went on to describe her pariah status as “long overdue,” insisting that she’d been working tirelessly for years to be recognized as total human garbage.
“I mean, I literally killed a person” she noted. “With my car. And then I had the audacity to counter-sue the woman who died in the crash. And I STILL finished runner-up for Time Magazine Woman of the year. What is wrong with you people?”
But now, with her legacy secure, Jenner said her sights are focused squarely on the future.
“I’ve always tried to instill my children and stepchildren with the values that reflect the real me,” she explained. “And I’m very proud to say that they’ve grown up to become some of the most vacuous, entitled, morally bankrupt people America has to offer.”