TAOS, NM — In the wake of a long and difficult US presidential election, the failed Libertarian Party nominee, Gary Johnson, has announced that he finally has “a pretty good idea of what an Aleppo is,” and that he and his family would be travelling there for some much needed rest and relaxation.
“My domestic partner and I are just looking for a chill place to spend time with my kids,” explained the former governor of New Mexico. “I can think of no more peaceful place than the sunny beaches of Aleppo.”
Though control of the city itself is divided between a number of warring groups including the Assad government, the Syrian Democratic Forces, Al-Qaeda and the Islamic State, Johnson is confident he’ll be able to find “a cute AirBnB” in a quiet neighborhood. His vacation plans include taking his kids sightseeing through the Old City, shopping in Aleppo’s busy shopping districts and hang gliding from nearby mountains. With the exchange rate on the Syrian Pound at an all time low, Johnson added that he’ll be able to afford a lot of Mai Tais to forget his dismal performance.
“This election has been tough on everybody, especially for my family. To be honest, I think we were all a little bit embarrassed about the Aleppo thing. After the votes were counted I decided to bring out my 1996 Encyclopedia Britannica and read up on Aleppo. I couldn’t imagine a more tranquil sounding place for a week with Erik and Seah.”
When questioned on how he was planning to stay safe in a country in the midst of a civil war, Johnson reassured reporters that he would make sure to check any travel advisories before his flight and that he would keep his wallet in his front pocket. Johnson was also asked if he would bring any supplies or aid with him to which he replied that he would be bringing a stock of “those little boxes of Chiclets they try to sell to tourists.”
At least one person is excited for the Johnson family’s arrival in Aleppo. Syria’s official Minister of Tourism expressed joy in having his first non-Russian foreign tourists visit his country since 2011.
“With what’s going on in the US right now, I just hope American’s know that there’s a safe place for them here if they need to get away for a while.”