CHARLOTTE, NC – The bison, with its majestic dignity and great historical significance, was chosen as America’s national mammal last Friday, beating out a close runner-up and popular favourite, the delicious Texas-style BBQ bison.
“The bison is a noble creature, whose strength and resilience has allowed it to persevere under even the harshest conditions,” said senator Patrick Jagger of New Mexico. “I mean, its versatility doesn’t come close to matching that of the Texas-style BBQ bison, who tastes great in a patty, or as a steak, but it’s still a pretty good animal.”
Hunted to near-extinction throughout the 19th century, the common “bison bovinae”, though magnificent, is both too hairy and too tough to eat, as well as far too violent for sustained gnawing. It was these qualities that prompted the evolution of the “mmmmm bison bovinae”, the process of slow-roasting and charbroiling making the formerly useless wild animal into a tasty boon for the American people.
“To me, barbeque is much more a part of our cultural heritage than some wild animal or what have you,” argued South Carolina senator Grant Griffin, whose vote represented one of many dissenting voices. “Any country can have a herd of steely-eyed, grizzly-furred giants roaming their flatlands. What makes us American is looking at that proud beast and thinking, hey, I’m hungry.”
Griffin then chuckled, before lifting open his broiltop desk to flip the sizzling hunk of meat whose smoky smell had already lured dozens of senators, each equipped with a paper plate and napkin bib, to his office door.
“We’ve met with a lot of opposition on this choice,” said North Dakota senator Jason Henried. “The American people are not happy about which bison we selected. The fact that the senator who cast the swing vote was a vegetarian from Oregon has not gone over well in the Grill States.”
Henried, who has received thousands of calls, emails, and succulent bison recipes over the past several weeks, has said that the decision the committee made is final.
This debate is expected to heat up again when Congress votes on whether fries or coleslaw should be named the National Side Dish.