TORONTO – This afternoon an unnamed man on the TTC left other commuters in awe, as they wondered how important he must be to need a full three seats on the train.
“Maybe he’s some kind of foreign delegate, or a businessman from the Continent,” said Toronto man Geoff Lewinski in hushed tones, referring to the unshaven man in a sweatshirt playing on his phone while in full recline.
Fellow commuters were initially irritated with the man, taking up two seats on a packed car during the 5pm rush. It was only once the man had lifted his feet up onto the third that the passengers fully comprehended the situation.
“I’ve taken up two seats, heck, we all have,” said Leslie Frakes, as the man cracked open a tallboy. “But three, without even having a bag? This is no common person.”
A wide range of theories have begun to emerge about the man’s identity, some claiming to recognize him as a famous actor and others as a nobel laureate. One commuter joked that the man could even just be an exceptionally bold asshole, to everyone’s amusement.
“At first I was I furious that I would have to stand for my full ten stop ride,” said expecting mother Jillian Song, “but it’ll all be worth it when I can tell my baby that they were once in the presence of what I assume must be a duke.”
“Oh dear, I’m starting to feel faint. I hope he’s a doctor too.”
At press time, the man has started blasting Rude by Magic on his phone speakers and commuters throughout the train are now prostrating themselves before the new Messiah.
