LONDON – London, Ontario Mayor Matt Brown shuffled hesitantly to a podium this Wednesday to announce that his city once again failed to capture the title of best London on Earth. This is the 161st year in a row that London, Ontario has failed to snag the top spot from perennial favourite and current champion London, England.
Brown indicated that this year’s loss was particularly painful. “Honestly, I just don’t know guys,” Brown said slowly shaking his head, “I’m starting to feel like this whole thing is fixed. I mean, you’d have thought that we would have gotten one or two victories during the Jack the Ripper era…but no. Or what about that year London, Ontario got an Old Navy and a Bootlegger? Does England even have Old Navy?” Brown’s eyes filled with tears, “I feel like giving up.”
Local residents were also stunned at the news of the loss. Fanshawe College graduate and long-time Londoner Alex Hinds noted that this year’s result was shocking, “I can’t believe it. I mean we recently added a new cargo terminal to our airport. That’s big news. Not to mention, that we’re located moments away from Windsor and Sarnia. I mean, c’mon, Sarnia!”
Generally, residents of London, Ontario were appalled that London, England won merely because of its large population, continued cultural relevance, artistic history, Michelin Star restaurants, national and international sports teams, phenomenal transit system, racial and cultural diversity, world famous musical artists, unique architecture, booming economy, prominence on the world stage, and thriving theatre district.
“Aside from those few things,” Hinds noted, “the two cities are virtually neck and neck.”