TORONTO – Forty-six years old and plunging deep through the lightless depths of his addiction, local man Darren Hall is routinely described by coworkers and acquaintances as ‘A Legend’, ‘The One Man Party Nation’, and as ‘The Fuckin’ Guy Himself’.
“Oh man, Darren knows how to par-tay,” said 24-year-old Josh Buford, Hall’s most mature friend. “He gets blackout like every time he goes out.”
“What an inspiration.”
Although Hall’s new bachelor apartment has been described as ‘kind of a dump’, his defenders say that he’s only ever there when he’s sleeping, which is a maximum two or three hours per night.
“I wish I could do it, man, I really wish I could,” said Raul Correia, one of Hall’s favourite bartenders. “If I lived like that, I would just be in a constant state of misery, every minute of every day. I guess the wildman’s just made of more radical stuff.”
Hi-fiving sources close to Hall say that he also ‘gets laid like it’s his second job’, and that it’s no wonder his wife left him and took their son.
“I’ve seen him get his ass kicked for hitting on the wrong person, too,” said Buford. “Loads of times. Usually he’s so wasted that he just laughs through the blood until they give up and leave him alone. And after that, he won’t get necessary medical attention, he’ll just go to the bar and buy himself another drink. Total badass.”
While Ross Chan, Hall’s employer, wishes he wouldn’t come in late, unshowered and wearing sunglasses every morning, he can’t deny the positive impact it has on workplace morale.
“The boys all love it when his hands are shaking too much to even hold a cup of coffee,” said Chan, looking the other way while Hall took a handful of pills from an unmarked bottle just to even himself out. “It’s classic Darren.”
At press time, Hall’s friends and coworkers were excited for him to ‘bring the party to Vegas’ with them, after he was released from a thirty-day prison stint for driving under the influence.
