WASHINGTON, D.C. – After recent advances in radiotelemetry failed to bring that smile back to her face when she saw them, NASA scientists have discovered a new planet, in hopes that the ‘grand gesture’ will convince Jessica to take them back.
“We’ve tried everything to show her we’ve changed,” said NASA Administrator Charles F. Bolden, Jr. “Dropping chocolates at her front door from high orbit, keeping her favourite astronauts from dying in the void of space, everything. What else does she want us to do, beg?”
Strategists within the space organization determined that the discovery of a new planet was the best way to show Jessica they were serious, after last month’s debacle, when they tried texting her lewd photos from the recent New Horizons flyby of Pluto.
“We knew that one was a mistake the moment we sobered up,” said Chief Scientist Ellen Stofan. “But when we texted her to apologize, she just replied with the word ‘great’, and no punctuation. I don’t think she bought the ‘space madness’ excuse.”
Sources say NASA has been toying with calling the planet ‘Jessica’, but is concerned the name might be too on the nose.
“Maybe we should just name it after something she likes or is interested in,” said Aeronautics research director Jaiwon Shin. “Like, uh . . . space? Or dark matter?”
Shin then spent several minutes frowning and clicking a pen, before muttering to himself that ‘Jesus, she was right to leave us.’
Although girlfriends of Jessica are quick to point out that she’s too good for NASA and deserves someone who treats her better than a frozen, inanimate chunk of rock swirling in the void, some can’t help but be charmed by the persistence of the space association.
“It reminds me of how things were between them in the old days,” said Laura. “Maybe all it’ll take to screw NASA’s head on right is for Jess to go on a couple dates with the Russians again.”
This is the first time a scientific body has tried to patch a failed relationship back together with a discovery since 1906, when the National Oceanographic Institute failed to win back Meredith by unveiling the ‘bloated cuttlefish.’