INNISFIL, ON – Although they’re connected to a full keg and should theoretically be pouring beer, nothing but dead and live flies have come out of the draft taps at O’Halloran’s for the last twenty minutes.
“I don’t understand,” said local bartender Dave Henkel, dumping out yet another glass full of flies. “We clean these draft lines once every five or ten years: everything should be okay.”
Despite the ‘little problem’, bar owner Dennis O’Halloran has insisted that the place stay open, and that Henkel continue to serve beer to customers.
“Look, I’ve been working in restaurants for years, so trust me: these things just happen sometimes,” said O’Halloran, wiping a glass with a live, dirty rat. “Just because there’s a bit of mold behind the bar, or the draft lines are pouring millions and millions of flies, doesn’t mean that the bar owner is some kind of a cheapskate who won’t invest in basic hygiene.”
Although customers were initially wary of what O’Halloran was now calling the ‘new dark beer’, sources at the bar now say the way it ‘flies down your throat’ makes it easier to drink more of it, which they approve of.
“It doesn’t taste great, but it makes you feel all fucked up, so who cares,” said bar regular Dale. “Beats Coors, anyhow.”
This is the biggest sales boost O’Halloran’s has seen since they replaced their withered bar limes with just filthy wedges of tennis ball.
“At the end of the day, the flies will get taken care of by the spiders,” O’Halloran said. “And the spiders will get taken care of by the centipedes.”
“The centipedes might be here to stay.”
At press time, O’halloran’s was finally starting to lose business, after an even more unhygienic bar opened up down the street.
