OTTAWA – In a surprising policy shift, interim Conservative leader Rona Ambrose now says her party supports the legalization of marijuana, citing the drug’s ability to take the edge off of the stresses associated with pursuing the Tory agenda.
“Before, you’d come home after a long day of, I don’t know, ignoring the ongoing epidemic of missing and murdered indigenous women, or fanning the flames of xenophobia to score cheap political points,” explained Ambrose, “And there’d be this moment where you’d see your reflection in the mirror and you asked yourself, ‘Holy Christ, am I even still human at this point?’ before screaming into a pillow for five or six hours.”
Now, she said, she just “fires up the vape” and eats her guilt away.
“Four or five sleeves of Chewy Chips Ahoy and half a season of Lost” she continued, “And I sleep like a black hearted baby.”
Ambrose cites her 16 year-old nephew Tyler’s recent interest in baking as the catalyst for changing her stance. While she admitted to being initially skeptical that the sleepy-eyed teen’s brownies possessed the “magic” properties he promised, she conceded that any such doubts were completely erased within “30ish minutes” after eating them.
“And then,” she continued, “Holy shit. Suddenly, the gays? Not so bad.”
Puffing on a two-paper spliff from his porch in Muskoka, Conservative MP Tony Clement echoed Ambrose’s sentiments. “I think it just opens your mind to the possibility that you don’t have to be a complete asshole all of the time, you know?” he offered through a thick cloud of Purple Kush.
“Like, sometimes it’s cool to just chill the fuck out and be an actual human being who feels empathy for other people and an awareness of the world around you. I didn’t even know that was a thing.”