TORONTO – Several months after shooting a teenage person of colour over three hundred times, a buttoned-down desk jockey and a maverick, ladies-man beat cop have been acquitted, and, more importantly, have learned to respect one another.
“At first, I was like, this guy?”, said renegade officer Jack Chalk. “But then, after we gunned down that 14-year-old together, I was like, this guy!”
Although the two cops initially disagreed on things like paperwork, calling for backup, and pranking the chief of police, they found that, when it really came down to the important things, like watching each others’ backs, or allegedly shooting minors in cold blood, dammit, they were partners.
“Jack Chalk is a lazy, disorganized dirtbag who wouldn’t know good police work if it bit him in the ass,” said orderly, suit-wearing detective Henry J. Cheese.
“And one more thing- he’s the best damn friend a cop could ask for,” Cheese added, while the family of the slain teenager wept in the background.
The 4300-page ruling from the oversight board found that officers Chalk and Cheese had made an ‘honest mistake’ in assuming that ninth-grader Blake Davidson’s blue-raspberry Freezie was ‘some sort of grenade launcher’, and also that the two were ‘a coupla knuckleheads who deserve each other.’
At press time, Chalk and Cheese had teamed up with a lovable, slobbery pooch from the K-9 division, who was also a racist.
