Victim of stolen unicycle files for identity theft - The Beaverton

Victim of stolen unicycle files for identity theft

MONTREAL — Police issued a state of emergency last night when local “pretty chill guy” Trenton Brenner filed for identity theft shortly after the disappearance of his prized unicycle.

Based on eyewitness testimony, the unicycle in question went missing sometime between 1am and 2am, while Brenner and friends sat around Bar Notre-Dame-Des-Quilles, discussing first year poli-sci and the latest EP ad nauseam.

“I stepped out to check on my ride, Rota Fortunae… I’m sorry. I keep saying ‘I’. Truth is, I’m not even sure who ‘I’ am at this point,” said Brenner, holding back tears. “It’s horrible timing, too. I just sold my pennyfarthing to buy a new amp for my melodica.”

Patrons smoking outside the bar report that, after discovering the unicycle has been stolen, Brenner fell to the ground, clutching his latest issue of Cult MTL, and desperately tried to hold onto the shattered fragments of his fashion column-driven excuse for a personality.

“I’m nothing without my unicycle. Now I’m just another five-panel capped, rolled up pant cuffed, round rim glasses, -worshipping, craft beer-drinking, non-voting, failed weed farming, -friending, Marlboro Red’s-loving, Williamsburg bound, wanna-be pseudo-anarchist expected to just continue living semi-happily off my parents’ money in my 37-person co-op loft on Van Horne. I feel so alone.”