BURBANK, CA – More than 40 Disney employees who had been declared missing since Feb. 10. were discovered today during the Diamond Edition re-release of Aladdin, having been trapped in the Disney Vault for the past eight months.
“We went in there to get 101 Dalmatians, but we’d been ordered to clean the glass on Walt’s cryochamber and take stock of the Disney treasure stores,” said former head of inventory, Greg Paulson, from his hospital bed. “That burned our five minutes. The timer-locks on the door activated and we were stuck.”
The trapped staff were initially hopeful that they would be rescued within a few hours, but this hope faded as the lights in the Vault were switched off, one by one.
“So dark,” said Disney employee Linda Medeiros, shielding her eyes from natural light. “The kind of dark that humans have only dreamed of. Those sick fucks, they knew we were down there.”
While showing support for the rescued workers, representatives of Disney have denied any liability in this incident.
“While the circumstances have been regrettable, this is stated company policy,” said one spokesman. “The Vault opens, the Vault closes. Paulson knew it. They all did.”
“It’s in the handbook, right next to ‘a smile is part of your uniform.’”
Several staff tried to escape after the discovery of a Mickey Mouse Fun Club flashlight.
“We tied the film reel for Song of the South around Brad and lowered him into the catacombs to find a way out,” said employee Henry Chang. “He didn’t find any exits. Just bones.”
So far most of the missing employees have been accounted for, with the exception of two. Discarded uniforms have been discovered, but no other traces have been found yet.
“Oh God,” said Paulson, beginning to weep. “We had to survive. The limited edition chocolate Goofy’s only lasted so long. Oh my God, what have we done.”
“This has been a tragedy,” said Disney in a press release today. “The Walt Disney Corporation will do everything in its power to help these brave men and women, who have suffered through a terrible journey. A journey not unlike that experienced by Aladdin and friends in one of Disney’s most beloved family classics.”
