LONDON, UK – Queen Elizabeth II is now officially England’s longest serving drain of public funds, celebrating her 23,226th day as Britain’s reigning welfare recipient.
“Her Majesty is living proof that the United Kingdom is the gold standard of social security,” said Prime Minister David Cameron.
“We Britons are proud that we are honouring a woman whom has never worked a day in her almost nine decades of life, yet thanks to the success of our social safety net, has to her name, palaces complete with live-in servants, priceless works of art, jewelry, and a personal army that guards her round-the-clock.”
A humbled Elizabeth thanked Mr. Cameron, adding that she would have no idea how she’d support herself and her 13 dependents without her modest £32 million yearly stipend, made out in personal cheques, which the Queen picks up herself on the first and fifteenth of every month from the Department Work and Pensions.
“These funds bring dignity to our lives. Without them, my family would be forced to hunt for our own food, subsisting on a steady diet of Corgi meat,” said the Queen.
“Give us more bloody money!” exclaimed Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, the second longest lived welfare recipient.
According to officials, England’s third longest-lived lifetime welfare dependent simply goes by the name of Gabby, is 87 and lives in Brixton. He gets £350 a month, which he mostly spends on ale.
The Canadian welfare system does not have it’s own Queen Elizabeth to support, but the charter demands the government set aside comparable funds to a special group of “over-privileged, do-nothing leeches” known as “the Senate.”
With files from Aaron Hagey-MacKay