Mountain Dew to ‘Kickstart’ the home births of 17 lucky winners - The Beaverton

Mountain Dew to ‘Kickstart’ the home births of 17 lucky winners

TORONTO – In celebration of the launch of the new ‘Baby Pink Anarchy’ flavoured Kickstart, 17 lucky winners are having their home births sponsored by Mountain Dew.

“Our brand is all about loving life, and living life to the maximum,” said Mountain Dew spokesperson Dov Levy. “Extreme sports, competitive gaming, raw-dogging out a baby, these are the things that represent the quintessence of Mountain Dew.”

As well as receiving a Mountain Dew: Kickstart-themed renovation of their birthing room and the services of a indentured midwife, contest winners can choose to upgrade their water birth to a Mountain Dew Game Fuel Cherry-Citrus (Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Edition) (Discontinued) birth, or to receive an epiDEWral.

“I was a little bit nervous about not giving birth in a hospital”, said mother-to-be Laura Chan, struggling to be heard over the sounds of snowboarding legend Shaun White playing electric guitar in her birthing room. “But the Mountain Dew lawyers were really insistent that there be no non-outrageous doctors present.”

“Isn’t that right, doctor ?”

While some mothers claim it’s distracting to have Mountain Dew executives around, praising them for ‘squatting one out, aboriginal style’ while they’re trying to give birth to a baby, others say that all the hi-fives and fist-bumps have really motivated them to ‘Baja Blast’ their infants down the birth canal.

“That was electrifying,” shouted new mother Rhonda Shane, who was so amped up on Mountain Dew Kryptonite Ice that she hadn’t noticed the executives had taken her baby and she was now breastfeeding a bottle of Mountain Dew Passionfruit Frenzy. “Dov, pass me that BMX bike, I need to crush some verts.”

While some have questioned the wisdom of inventing Kickstart, which is just Mountain Dew but with added caffeine and salt, company executives say it’s probably fine.

This is the first time Mountain Dew has done a live-birth promotional tie-in since the 1950’s, when it was contracted with the US government to test the effects of sugar and radiation on newborn infants.