PETERBOROUGH — Teenage tyrants across the country raised their victim’s underpants in jubilation today after learning that childhood obesity rates in Canada continue to rise “faster than your mom’s cholesterol”, as expressed in a public statement released by bully lobbyist group “Fists Against Tubsters” (FAT).
This morning, Health Canada released a report claiming obesity in Canadian children has risen from 5% in the late 1970’s, to 12% in 2014, to 13% this year. For bullies, the faster these numbers rise, the slower their victims get.
“Pilfered lunch money profits have already risen 17% since grade 9. We haven’t seen growth this rapid since Charlie ‘Whale Whisperer’ Waldon left to visit family in Texas and came back bigger than the state itself,” remarked twelfth grader Scut Farkus, a leading light in the bullying community at John Malcolm High in Peterborough and president of the FAT Kawartha chapter. “Every year we’re finding more and more of our clients move slower than my dead grandma on horse tranquilizers.”
Not only have profits increased, but marijuana sales are rising steadily as students find themselves able to spend less time beating down “lardos”, and more time hitting the bong.
“I’ve never had this much extra time on my hands. I’ve been smoking whole joints before homeroom all year, man. These days, most kids give up trying to run after a few wobbles,” said grade eleven bully Biff Tannen, treasurer for the FAT. “I mean the cost of obesity to North American nerds is enormous. About $10 per kid on a good day.”
President Scut Farkus closed out the aforementioned FAT statement on a personal note, “I’d like to think if our deadbeat dads were here today, they’d be really proud of our success.”